My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
WHY DID I DRINK ALL THE INGREDIENTS FOR VOMIT?!
I wish I could tell you that the worst thing that happened last night was how he got thrown out of a stripclub for vomitting on the girl giving him a private lapdance. I wish I could tell you that and not be lying.
Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend. I woke up at 7 this morning to drive your mistake home because you wouldn't get up.
This is a test of Andrews drunk texting, had this been an actual drunk text, all the words would be spelled incorrectly and would be missing key verbs and nouns, followed by a request to not get fired.
Your stoned with a 2 year old in the room....and that makes you want to have babies?!
when I woke up, he was drunk and singing "soft kitty" and petting my face
I can't handle dick pics with conversational captions
I climbed out a window to pee last night because i thought i was locked in the room... Then crawled back in and went to bed. The poor neighbors.
He said he doesnt believe in the female orgasm,so no I did not have sex with him.
Kids parked next to me are getting it on. I'm eating chicken nuggets listening to Kanye alone. Happy Valentine's Day.
the quiet that you are hearing is a silent suggestion that you should go fuck yourself
I'm super depressed and stressed and I just want spaghetti and sex...
Ugh im hungover from last night, and to top it all off, I think someone jacked my laptop.
umm ya, so we found it in the oven wrapped in a pillow case this morning
We spent our last night together taking turns vomiting in the bathroom. I'd say it was a romantic trip.
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