I was actually kinda bummed my STD test came back negative.
That would have been proof he'd slept with the stripper. Lame.
he acted like he had never seen anyone snort lines of adderall off of a microwave before. freshman.
I found a wheel chair. there is now a high chance im going to be fired from this job
mom in a round about way told me to either donate my eggs or become a surrogate bcuz I need money.
#1 lesson to be learned from mardi gras this year: lock your car doors or some grimy dude like me might just bang in it and use your backseat as a kleenex
If I die, I leave all my liquor in my apartment to you. Be a drunk bitch at my funeral. I wouldn't want it any other way.
all law school has taught me so far is how to fart quietly during lectures and how to out-argue the ice cream guy when he screws me out of extra toppings.
I just kept screaming "I'm fucking a preacher's son!" Also, this water tastes like weed.
This stranger told me I should "start playing for the other team" and then continued to talk to me about the joys of being a lesbian
I wasn't half as drunk as u but u were saying u were a "worm" and u tried to slither out of my grasp
OH MY GOD THE LITTLE GIRL IS SITTING WITH US WHILE WE SMOKE. I'M NOT DOING THIS
The dog just shocked himself by peeing on Christmas lights, should I have saw that coming?
There's always a silver lining when massive voluptuous tits are involved
Oh my god, are you sexting me while watching the Democratic debate.
100%
Now I'll never know if it was me that got you worked up, or Bernie Sanders' social policies.
i can do like, 15 pushups. 20 if i listen to dubstep.
Randomize
