everytime i eat a fruit i feel like i'm eating ovaries
she took out her dip, threw up, and put it back in. it was like a scene from Nick and Nora's trip to the trailer park.
Well, for starters you dressed up in all Green and kept singing that song from "A Goofy Movie". Then you made us call you Powerline for the rest of the night...needless to say no, you didn't hook up with her
My facebook horoscope today said I will have a little "confusion". Obviously astrology understands a blackout.
We made a late night liquor run, made margaritas and bloody marys and then retreated to opposite sides of the house to drink them. Alone.
You guys make me sad
You misspelled jealous there
she's walking down the hall in a thong and one flip flop and one ugg
the only thing keeping me going right now is the knowledge that in 2 hours i'll be drunk at the circus.
Just saw the stripper pole on the road that we threw out of the party bus last night
I'm pretty sure they changed the plants at the grocery store because of us
This is true. I'm still having Jess write "no drugs" on my left hand and "except weed" on my right hand
I'm at a bar where I literally walked in to the bathroom and some chick told me to never go to San Joaquin state pen
I had to rename my dildo. I met a little kid who named his teddy bear the same name. It just felt wrong.
In other news I think my vagina is sunburnt
WTF was I supposed to tell them? "hi mom and dad, this is some rando I met on the internet. please ignore the noises that will be coming from my bedroom for the next 60-90 minutes. kthxbye."
I just puked on a sprinkler…Motherfucker tried to spray me
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