On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
this girl literally referred to her butthole as her "back pussy"
God is so good, I would give him a blow job right now.
i woke up surrounded by junior mints. not to mention, there was a huge pyramid of natty cans baracading the door shut. this is why i can't drink alone.
He looked at me and said "Last call" before putting his penis away into his boxers
rolled over to window for cup of snow instead of leaving bed for water. that's how hungover
shattered his nose in 8 pieces. Blaming it on the dog. I feel more guilty about ruining the dog's good name than I do about ruining his nose.
be proud. or at least amused. an 18 yr old and a 25 yr old at least makes my average hookup age this week the same as my age.
I HAVE A BLACK EYE FROM A DILDO!! IM GETTING MARRIED TOMORROW! THIS IS NOT A MISSUNDERSTANDING!
I just need a text that says "put that food down bitch" and then maybe I'll lose water weight through tears
YOU LICKED MY MAKEUP OFF.
Christ I forgot how flexible you need to be for a decent sext pic. Jesus.
the universe is starting to freak me out.. ive now had sex with 3 people who were born on the same day..
Some bitch is passed out in a pool of vomit. Fucking lightweight, it's only 8.30.
Oh, wait.. That's you.
They're doing CPR to someone in the middle of Victoria's Secret. Way to block the undies, damnit!
Randomize
