It wouldn't matter if you are Jesus Christ himself, you are not getting into the bar tonight
After last night, I could never be a politician.
just read twilight to her over the phone, while in the bathtub, candlelight...i'd love to say no homo but that was so gay.
i deep throated a ruler to see what my limit was...
Dude she has a fucking rock collection. Never will I ever talk to her again.
He got so drunk that he tried hitting on a girl using nothing but his Samuel L. Jackson soundboard application on his Iphone
Scratch that. Good bye liver, good bye clothes, good bye dignity. Hello awesome weekend
The nursing school interview showed me a picture of my passed out during your party. They asked if this was a frquent thing. I told them you drugged me.
Next time I think buying tan-thru bikinis is a good idea, remind me of that time I passed out in one and burned the epic shit out of my pussy.
When was that?
Yesterday. Bring aloe. For my pussy.
Officially conquered sex on my couch with my dad asleep in the next room
I like how you say "conquered" as if that was your sole mission in life
Someone the age of your son tried to go home with me from the bar last night
I've had more lap dances than hrs of sleep since Thursday, this is why you're planning all three of my bachelor parties
i texted "amiibo vore" to my insurance agent instead of someone else. do you think they'll raise my rates out of disgust?
My fuck buddy and I talked about Amelia Bedilia for ten minutes before having sex. I think I'm in love.
come pick your gf up from my house. she's sitting in the fridge and hissing at the cat to let her eat the potatoes. btw i dont have a cat
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