Currently standing on top of my parents leather couch with no pants on playing helicoptor with my penis. You?
Yea, i was tied up and blindfolded. And someone was throwing chicken nuggets at my face.
The cab driver thought we were passed out so he called a sexline...
Okay I can't even be mad, I'm in mid-plot to hook up with Michael Phelp's third cousin.
I also just told a guy I was available for counseling in case he needed to 'bang' things out. I've become a monster.
Last night was a "wash hands with dog shampoo" kind of night
I'm sitting here with a heating pad and a fan on me eating snow caps off of my boobs
You have got to be the only man who has passed out while getting a lap dance.
I think you're my feminist conscience sometimes.
Let's drink lean at the 5 seconds of summer concert. Give the teens a glimpse into their future as dysfunctional adults holding desperately onto their youth. You in?
It was a fun night. I made out with the door guy at the gay bar but he didn't speak english
There was no door guy at the bar
We were driving past a farm when he screamed at me to stop the car, then he jumped out and tried to ride a cow.
So uh. Your future in porn. Would you be willing to wear an alien costume for it?
I woke up with a jacket; in it passport, hockey tickets, sunglasses, credit card, bank transactions
Good thing he's hot and my vagina likes him or I'd be at Dennys right now.
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