I woke up (not at home) to find out I kissed Ryan Caberra, flashed for free gumbys and carried around an inflatable moose named Johnson. Great success.
Thanks for holding onto me so I didn't fall in my pee in that parking lot. You're the best boyfriend ever.
it's been dubbed the summer of antibiotics
I wonder what it's like for my roommate to live bicuriously thro my sex life
Eating my shrimp pasta on the porch with a 40, wearing a Hawaiian shirt, proclaiming "I GOT SCRIMPS." I just jumped the shark of college.
six ambien and a bong later...he was calling me blueberry princess who need rescuing from the evil oven, and he was sir Eatsalot.
For months it was all good and well just having sex. Now, something in me has snapped and I'm dreaming of taking turtleneck Christmas pictures with him. Fuck you, we're going out tonight. I need this.
You kept mumbling that you could become one with the carpet as you proceeded to give yourself the worst carpet burn I have ever seen
let me drop the bass on your empty vagina syndrome
Trying to decide who to DD on the fourth and I came up with a Who's who of guys I've hooked up with in the last month. Not an ideal situation, but I have a feeling it's gonna happen anyway.
I tried to light my cup as a bong. I'm done drinking
Snow days are when you really appreciate that your neighbor is on your bang roster.
Sundays were made for eating Ramen pantless in bed.
Last night was a sign that I need to stop sleeping with any girl that can quote the mighty ducks
Specially the ones that look like Goldberg
I got wing sauce on the baby and licked it off. If you were wondering how I'm doing.
Randomize
