Woke up this morning with one boob drawn on to look like the globe. Questionable?
I just met his wife...she told me they have been having marriage problems and are spending his paychecks on marriage counseling...then she cried on my shoulder...NOW i feel like a bitch.
I woke him up and he was mumbling something about it being moist, or he peed himself but it was okay.
its not you its me. and by that i mean i am more interested in having random one night stands with random hot girls then having the same normal sex with u.
Pot head idea of the day: make a maraca out of weed seeds. Or a rain stick? Definitely rain stick.
Zach is always passed out on the floor somewhere.face down in a puddle of his own absurdity
The fact that you think I have a life is so flattering to me.
if i had known the extra weight would have gone to my tits, i would have started drinking years ago
I walked a mile in this weather wearing nothing but a toga. Zero fucks. Your move Mother Nature.
I'm gonna watch porn and nap. I think I really have this Valentine's Day thing down
i guess i fuck people who own bucket hats so i can't talk shit
So glad I can hide money in my wallet and drunk me is too stupid to find it. Hangover sushi ftw.
I think him and kristen are pretty serious now.. I dont think he cheats on her, anymore.
Should I bring my 4 pairs of bunny ears? Or is that too weird?
4 pairs might be a bit much
So not only did I get laid today but I also left with a 42” tv lol
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