my night went downhill once I lost my bikershorts. EAWSSSSYY ACCESS
I swear, if I find out you're lying, I'm going to put your name on one of those herpes watch websites and put the link up on every social networking site in existence.
The guy at the liquor store just checked my id and said "oh it's you"
But when he came on my stomach I noticed how tan I was!
I am dressing up to go buy weed. I need to get out more.
Of course she said it wasn't that good, I don't bring my A game to pity fuck the thrice divorced girl from work
if you spike my cofee one more time im gona fuck you up. im presenting to the mayor in sevven fucking minuets. fuck you and youir fucking bartending classses i am so fuckign fcked
eta to your mouth 5 minutes
how sketchy is it to eat a candy wrapped in masking tape from reggae night? because we totally just split it...
You screamed "There's a potato in my anus" and proceeded to attempt to grind with the bouncer. Also, I'm pretty sure our Chem teacher was in the same bar as us.
Someone broke into my car and stole it then left me $300 to pay for the damages with a lovely note that said "we just couldn't pass up the boxed wine... Sorry about the window."
I just finished packing for spring break, took me 4 minutes. To be fair though I only put my trunks, a pair of underwear, and 50 condoms in my bag.
It's gotten so bad I typed my will out on my phone in case it's over.
I mean seriously there comes a time when you just need to take a crap in peace. Until he figures that out he can stay the hell outta my place.
I was singing Colors of the Wind and swigging vodka and still felt like more of an adult.
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