i think i have reached a jessica simpson level of regret
there's a guy on campus handing out business cards. you pay him to see if your girlfriend will cheat. the company name is "tying up loose ends"
the teacher just ate a hash brownie and passed out on the bus best field trip 2010'
Dude it was weird. The strippers vagina tasted kind of like your mother's.
we're on our way back. she tried to pants the waiter again.
I want a grilled cheese and an IV
Honestly I miss having a gay roommate. His female friends' implicit trust in him would carry over to me even though they knew Im straight. Best unintentional wingman ever.
i woke up in just my socks. my clothes were outside, he had rugburn on his elbows, and a window was broken.
Dude. The amount of love and appreciation from a house full of stoners when you come home at 4 am with donuts is overwhelming. The kind of love to make Jesus have to work a little harder at his unconditional love thing.
I'm pretty stoned, and for a second I forgot that I'm not actually Barbie and I was getting excited about all the fun we were going to have on my jet.
these are times I'm glad I'm Jewish because the Torah is just like "drink, eat, and fuck"
I woke up at 5am to tell him I wanted to take his dick on la Tour de France, I might need a nap later
gonna guess the empty vodka bottle and open can of tuna in the bathroom drawer are related?
I think he bit my vagina. Who does that?
Ya know, one would think a restraining order would keep me from fucking my ex.
Randomize
