I kiss like a newly born barfing kangaroo
you know you were refereeing rock paper scissors for who got to make out with your sister right?
i've decided that sluts are like cars. they may look good as hell on the outside, but you never know what kind of shit is hiding under the hood.
You tried to pay the bartender in graduation checks, I think you'll be fine in the real world.
Its what jesus would do if there were bud light in his time. I feel obligated.
Im blasting "Fat Bottom Girls" as loud as humanely possible in attempts that old ladies doing water aerobics will take the hint and get the fuck out of the pool.
your mom just called me and asked me why i'm not in jail with you right now.
Totally sleeping on a bloodstained mattress tonight. I love life's little adventures.
I wasn't trying to be rude when I hurriedly walked past you, but I can not put in to words exactly how bad I had to shit.
My mother just made an innapropriate gesture with a cucumber while grocery shopping at whole foods... Then she said "bitches love cucumbers" and all this time i thought i was adopted
guys with girlfriends don't have a leg to stand on when they get mad at you for fucking other guys
I couldn't think of the word "bath" so instead I told him I was marinating in soapy water
Damn it. If you ever throw me again, take video.
After we had sex he went to the kitchen, came back with a bag of funyuns and ate them buck ass naked in his bedroom doorway. Had no idea how to react to that one.
You are currently doing Harry Potter spells with the turkey-baster...
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