There was a lot of him and a little penis
Whoa. I woke up to 10 new text messages. All about bacon.
Very hungover, bought a newspaper and found my shorts from last night in the machine.
He said he loved me so I pretended not to hear it because I don't think "I love your penis" was the response he was looking for.
Living room yoga. I'm too hungover to deal with anyone else's chi today.
WHYAREWHITEGUYSSOBADINBED?! What the fuck went wrong, evolution?
Every grown women needs to pee herself once in her life. It builds character.
I mean I sucked his dick at 3 AM... UNDERWATER. I think I have earned a follow back on twitter.
Don't know how your birthday has been, but mine has involved Hershey's syrup and a blowie. It's safe to say you're playing catch up.
Everyone's impressed that I actually got pee all over his car since I'm a girl and they're a little curious..
It began the way the best stories do—with some naïve jackasses in a place they had no business being at.
By 9 pm this evening I'll have accomplished smashing with two different guys in two different time zones in the same day.
Stay hydrated
Did I just pee in the Taco Bell parking lot?
Yep. But do you remember wiping with my quesadilla?
I got home and he was wearing a suit. He said he reason was because it was shirt and tie Saturday and that he won't change until midnight. He then proceeded to answer the door in a British accent.
It's all fun and games until your mom recognizes your bootycall from 2018 as her attorney
Randomize
