I don't usually arrange sex via text message
I wish Michael J Fox could read me bedtime stories
He could rock you to sleep
Great, now everyone thinks I've had giraffe semen in me
He's been dead since March and more people write on his wall than mine.
due to concerns over safety, the theme of the 'naked fondue party' has now been changed to the 'naked fondue party with optional apron' please b.y.o.apron. extra prizes for most creative apron.
If i apologize for punching you in the liver repeatedly will you explain where the grass stains on my shoulders came from?
Sometimes I wonder why I hang out with you. And then you show up half naked at my door with a half gal of vodka, and I remember why.
It's not quite a landing strip... It's more like a soul patch for my vagina.
Things I had in my bed when I woke up: an avocado, a toilet brush, and a note that says thanks but no thanks with the number of taco bell on it. WHAT DID I DRINK?
I almost just texted "I'm lonely" to my gynecologist.
I told her to to let go of her rationtal thoughts and just enjoy the fact that i was going down on her till she passed out from sheer orgasmic pleasure.
you smell like vanilla and daddy issues
I've been drunk texting you for weeks, and you watched me puke outside your house... I say it's time we meet in person.
Just so you know, I choose to answer your bootytext tonight because it was the most creative.
You’re better off without him. Actually, he’s better off without you and that’s what really matters
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