It feels like he gave my taint an indian burn.
Ah I wish I was there to nurse you then clean up your piss-filled water bottles
for some reason the bedside piss missed the water bottle today
thats the last time i clean cum out of my retainer.
There is a mermaid on oprah and she looks nothin like ariel
It was worth having to clean the cum stains out of the carpet.
Do you think the party boat will still go out if there is a hurricane?
Using what I learned in my global terrorism class last semester to sneak booze onto my cruise. thanks college.
ugh i can't even wear this perfume anymore. it just brings back blurry memories of blowjobs and regret.
We stopped midfuck cuz a guy was walking his dog. Who the fuck walks their dog in the dorm parking structure at 3am!?
You grabbed the hot guy that was making out with his girlfriend all night, slurred "I need to borrow this" then shoved your hand down his pants. All because you thought your ex walked into the bar. It was majestic in its shitshowness.
This is the drunkest I've ever been at a chili's
If I had a vagina, my apartment would have been the Atlantic
Fuck. What bets did I make about "yeah when the Cubs win the World Series" that I gotta reneg on????
my favorite part of this morning was sitting at the gynecologist smelling like cigarettes and wearing yesterday's clothes.
He saw me naked after our first date and still asked for a second.. so I think we’re doing good
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