I swear ... this hickey is a map to Amelia Earhart's whereabouts
either she doesn't know how to dress properly on a sunday morning stroll, or I just saw a 60 year old on a walk of shame
pretty sure that I broke my nose during sexting. Life is grand.
We'll probably be arrested for having a cheetah in our apartment anyway, so I say go for it.
I think it's time we have the "weird fetish" talk.
The toilet started ringing, I think I just found your phone.
did you seriously make the punch out of vodka and food coloring
as you might have guessed from my lack of texts, the herpes have calmed down.
Well call me tomorrow, it's a great story that may lead to me being fired and/or possibly being buried in a shallow grave somewhere out in wine country.
All I could think of during that funeral was how great I look in a suit, how creepy catholics are, and how horny I am.
What happened to my face?
You kneed yourself in the eye during the Harlem Shake.
It was impressive.
I'm at a new rock bottom. Malibu on ice at work because it's the only thing they've got and no mixers.
I told her my blood type was O Positive and we started making out. Bio majors are weird.
Im 76 percent sure I took a fully clothed shower last night.
He was married to his college girlfriend for 20 years. Just give him the blow job he’s been fantasizing about since last century and he’ll be wrapped around your little finger
Randomize