i had the deer in headlights look when she walked in and i was digging in her hamper
We decided to smoke and then made crosses on our foreheads for ash wednesday
mom would be proud
He's paying me $45 to clean his room and $55 if i find the oxy that he lost.
Just assessed the damage in the bath. Two love bites. One bruise on the inner thigh. Strange awareness of what i'm assuming is my cervix. I've definitely missed you. x
I am going to get arrested. I am yelling fuck repeatedly, wearing a Bird jersey and polka dot pants while pounding wine. Amazing mug shot to follow.
Stripper told me "sorry i'm not squezing my tits in your face much, I just had a kid and don't want to squirt you in the eye with milk. " in the middle of my lap dance
It could have went better. They kicked us out of the casino and I drunkenly whipped her across the face with a fishing pole. Long story.
you crashed our wine night double date and sat on the floor eating cheese talking about how big his dick is.
stuck in a tree...bring a ladder. also my arm might be broken. no questions are allowed.
So much to do, haven't done anything except hook up with sailors and work on my tan.
When I told him he could take naked pics of me, did I really need to specify that he could not email them to my brother's friends for bragging rights?
Like I'm literally drinking whiskey and making a stocking for my cat right now. What. Goes. On.
If the ex isent in town and im crying under a table somewhere because of it can we go to a drag show or something
This Christmas I would like to thank Jesus for cocaine.
all i remember is slapping you in the face with a slice of pizza while laughing maniacally.
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