Turns out "bordello" doesn't mean what I thought it did.
i know he has to tuck it when he gets excited in public and all, but now he is just starting to show off.
I'm starting to think The only feelings I have anymore are drunk and hung over
you can't hurt those
Just got my cast off. My occupational therapist wants me to self-gratify. My clit is about to have an awesome weekend...
He told her, Don't talk. Just sit there so I can imagine that you have the kind of personality I wish you had.
This is a test of Andrews drunk texting, had this been an actual drunk text, all the words would be spelled incorrectly and would be missing key verbs and nouns, followed by a request to not get fired.
i woke up this morning and saw her in my bed and i said to myself, I think I might have a drinking problem.
I think I just pulled an onion peel off my boob from sleeping on their kitchen floor
Is this a Beer, Vodka or Whiskey kind of problem solving night? It's imperative I stock accordingly.
Questions like that are why I love you.
This chick walked up to me in the bar and started making out with me, then grabbed my drink while I wasn't looking and walked off.
I don't get it. If he broke into Taco Bell at 2 am, then why couldn't he have brought me home a fucking taco???
And thank god for autocorrect cuz I can't even think in English let alone spell in it right now.
her nickname was handjob. I knew what i was getting into.
Mom got drunk as hell, crashed Dad's wedding and some how left with the best man. This is why you should be glad you aren't my sibling.
Woke up next to my vibrator and a recipe for fudge brownies. If that doesn't scream I NEED TO GET LAID, then I don't know what else could.
Randomize
