I dont abuse you, i just hit you while we have sex
at which point I apparently ran in and shouted "I made the sex with that one!"
Well, at first I was really confused. But then I realized that he was talking from his penis's perspective... in third person.
So I'm seriously debating forwarding these sexts to his horse faced new gf including the ones that say he still loves me... but I still need his check to clear... decisions decisions
it's not like i was drunk to the point of NEEDING help...i just wanted someone to offer to hold my hair or something.
During breaking dawn, he leaned over and asked me why she would have to worry about her period since she essentially just married a walking super-absorbant tampon... It was the best way to ruin those movies for me.
I can't believe she made out with my 15 year old brother. That kid can seriously pull.
There is pretty much a target on everyone's lips when I am drunk. EVERYONE
It's twenty thirteen and the rando and I bonded over the fact that we're both stil using flip phones. Of course I fucked him in the bathroom. It was the obvious thing to do.
There is no way to say this. Dude, I peed your bed. No questions, no answers. My flight leaves in 30 minutes. Use my detergent. Also, THE VODKA IN THE FRIDGE IS YOURS.
We were 6 minutes into the movie before we realized the whole movie was spoken in Italian. That level of stupidly-ripped
I sat on his face and watched Mean Girls. It was a good date.
His exact words: "I don't have anything you can't treat with antibiotics."
I party with great urgency now.
Met the hot new neighbor. She's into country music and giving really good bjs. Latter made up for the former.
Randomize
