I woke up at 5am and he was watching me sleep... Come get meee!!??
47 days without vaginal penetration. Im pretty sure it's grown over.
Do you realize that if your cunt was a missing person it would be assumed dead?
The saltiness of my tears mix perfectly with the tequila.
I was to drunk to walk in jimmy john's so I called and got a pickle delivered to me outside the bar , too much?
I miss the good ol days when id just come home from school and thered be a costco size box of condoms on my bed.
my parents really loved me back then.
The bet was for naked jumping jacks. And it back fired, she just laughed at all the slapping noise.
I just pulled the nickels from earlier out of my bra in class. The guy next to me is either terrified or intrigued.
After much deliberatipn and vodka, my favourite phrase of Christmas 2012 is "penis of last resort"
I don't know if I want context or not...
Context involves faux incest and champagne. Id go into detail but im on shot number 5.
I'm confident that their children would come out as 100% authentic rats
He used the panoramic camera on his iPhone to take a picture of his dick. And it actually filled it. Pretty sure I just came.
when my phone is in portrait view you can just assume i've been watching porn. that's the only thing i want to see in full view.
I'm just that drunk tells people I love them or wants to set them on fire. Accept that.
I feel like I could get pregnant watching Zac Efron do yard work in this movie
I RAN OVER A NUN! I RAN OVER A FUCKING NUN! GOD WILL NEVER FORGIVE ME FOR MY SINS NOW!!!
Sitting in the car eating a bagel. Watching a guy do tai chi in the parking lot. My morning is fabulous
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