so i woke up this morning covered in mail. none of it is mine.
Her brother is deaf.
no wonder she was so good with her hands
Remind me to tell you the one about the cashier that wouldn't sell me Jim Beam and NyQuil.
I lost my keys but found four buffalo wings in my pockets
I took "we live within stumbling distance of the bar" as an invitation and challenge
I've taken a shot every five minutes for the past twenty. His valentines cupcakes are going to be a fucking delicious vodka induced mess. Thinking about putting vodka in this next batch. I'm the best girlfriend.
I told the guy that if he didn't put enough pepperoni to earn the name " pepperoni feast", that I was gonna sue him for all he had. Believe it or not, that's all I remember.
The front camera on the 5S is SO much better. This is great development for my international sexting.
I know he's gay. But if he touches my vagina I'm human centipeding his face. Sorry not sorry
I learned that I order a bunch of dollar shots at the bar and once it's ready turned around and say "who wants pay?" And someone will pay
I refuse to answer that question on the grounds that it may incriminate me
Thank fucking Christ I was not wearing pants or eating chocolate cake last night.
I feel like dick that good should always be within a five kilometre radius of me.
Decided to smoke a bowl in my closet while my parents are gone. Just sat in the closet because I couldn't remember how to get out. Started panicking cuz I thought they were gonna show up... Checked my phone. It's been 4 minutes.
Hey I'm trying to get back with my ex I'mm done doing whatever we were doing I hope things workout for you
Weird flex but ok.
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