I just puked into a plastic bag at a red light. Go me.
I think I might.. possibly.. like a Justin Bieber song.
I think you might... possibly... have sprouted a vagina.
I feel compelled to tell you that I woke up this morning and found an entire corn on the cob in my purse. Ive decided not to question my drunken behavior anymore, and to just accept it as my lifestyle.
I'm calling into work with a wicked case of sledge hammer crotch. She has to understand
malibu coconut giveth, and malibu coconut taketh away
Look. You've gotta stop making this about you, and make it about my vagina.
I will be going to walgreens soon.. nothing says trainwreck like pickin up a scrip for xanax at 2am drunk..
Watch out, there's a giant vagina in the quad running around screaming at people.
They just built a gym in the same parking lot as my favorite bar. Drunk me is gonna be so excited.
I bet my lungs hate me more than my liver
That's a hard toss up
"Do You Wanna Build a Snowman" came on while I was riding his dick. I had to take a moment.
You fell asleep standing up against the shower wall
You don't know being judged until its 7:30 in the morning and you're on 2 hours of sleep halfway between drunk and hungover wearing pajama pants at an international airport while saying how proud you are that you found the airport's bar immediately and how disappointed you are that it's closed
I need to reevaluate my stance on weekday hangovers...
He noticed my new Lipstick so later tonight it's going to be on his dick.
Randomize
