He literally didn't stop until I lost count of how many times he made me orgasm. It took three hours.
You've got more to offer than just money. Come on. You have an awesome rack.
you handed me the dorito you were about to eat and told me to 'keep him safe' while you went to the bathroom
so the good news is that i can't possibly burn my eyelashes off tonight at the bbq.
The sun is gonna brush it's hairy dick across my forehead in the morning, gently whispering: "you're 4 hours late for work"
So, I'm stoned at his house petting the neighbors cat I made him steal.
You're a fucking train wreck.
People...there is no better feeling in the world than finding out via Google that your ex has a warrant out for his arrest. No better feeling.
I tried to take home a cat on broadway last night. I named him Pinocchio and put my purse down on the sidewalk and tried to put it inside it
You have better ratings than Crest. Only 4/5 dentists recommend it. You have 8/9 recommendation for your blowjob skills.
A surplus of mistakes were made and I don't know what 89% of them were.
Do you think the police would frown on me opening a psych drug pharmacy on the side? Just to dispose of my drugs without polluting the water supply! It is for the animals!
And besides a nice relationship, I just really want to get laid damnit
HAPPY BIRTHDAY I ATE TOO MUCH OF AN EDIBLE AND TOLD MY BARISTA I LOVED HER
My mom's yelling at me for being a whore and my dad's quizzing me on how to drive in winter weather....I'm home!
Sent. All. My. Texts. Like. This. Last. Night. Thank. You. Weed. Also. Had. A. Dream. About. A. Serial. Killer. That. Killed. Everyone. Except. Me. And.
Randomize
