I kiss like a newly born barfing kangaroo
i can't believe i had a foursome before a threesome
There is something about weddings and lines being done off my ass
Thank you blackberry messenger, for giving me a way to sext faster and more efficiently
I'm standing outside of the bar watching homeless men teach a kid how to pee of the sidewalk.
Some chick just barfed in my math class. Everyone here is hungover. Yay community college
My biggest accomplishment thus far this summer is having sex 5 weeks after hip surgery.
You're cock blocking me from my own boyfriend. What kind of shit is that?
He came so hard that he yelled what sounded like a spell from Harry Potter.
She showed up ready for sex all night.. with waters and a meat and cheese tray
She was way too drunk so I dropped her off at her house and smoked a huge blunt with her mom.
Current status: so high that I'm unable to have coherent conversation with my mom, but still knew that when my dad said "shpritzy white stuff" I understood that he was trying to think of "whipped cream."
That text took me 10 minutes.
Apparently, im the only one in the world who thinks Larry King is hot.
she kind of stumbled up and said "Bitches be needin' stiches." i thought i could convince her to break a bottle over someones head but she fell onto her face and passed out before i could say anything
My bookbag can hold 30+ beers. They shoulda put that on the tag bc its a big selling point
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