i feel like when youre not in my profile picture no one knows who i am.
So I missed her say 'don't' before 'come in me'. She felt what was happening and freaked - which actually made the moment 100x better.
Just got cockblocked by coyotes. This would happen to me.
Bring more bourbon. Day drunk just hit another level.
He asked me where I wanted it. I told him in the condom. He stops mid thrust and says "you're no fun" and then blew. Chivalry is semi dead.
Haha that's why you never name the penis. Its like a pet, once named you will most likely get attached.
Did you hear me? I HAVE THE CONTENTS OF AN NBA PLAYER'S CONDOM IN MY BEDROOM TRASHCAN!! This shit is potentially worth millions of dollars to a fertile young female who is ovulating. How do I sell it fast??
Having vodka and cokes for lunch at work today because absolutely ZERO fucks are being given.
Tomorrow may or may not be a problem cause i'll be wonder woman for a halloween party aka i'll be fucked up & try & jump off of shit thinking i can fly
Had sex in a cemetery last night during a thunderstorm. I feel like my goth points have skyrocketed
You've got to be fucking kidding me. Do you think "Husband drunkenly pees all over floors" is reasonable grounds for divorce? So pissed off right now.
I like that you use a Disney movie to describe the starting of our BDSM relationship, lmao
Wanna see if we can get cut off at bdubs again? The same hipster manager that is younger than us is working again
We've been fucking like crazy ever since she quit her job..ive been running errands all day to stay out of the house and give my dick a day of rest
I hate my life now
I’m sorry I got high and yelled about the patriarchy.
Randomize
