at church Sunday morning I dropped an M&M down my dress and it landed in my bra. I fished it out and ate it. A lot of people saw me.
dude your girlfriend loves you alot..she yelled your name lastnight in bed
My birth control alarm just woke me up from my dream where I was pregnant. Thank god.
what the fuck a piece of candy corn just came out of her nose
I just remembered that he had fake blood all over his face last night. I woke up with it all over my dick. He was 50. Please don't judge me.
You have a roommate and cry when you see my dick
Your cock deserves a montage
Robert just walked in drunk, grabbed my Jameson from me, told me to let him do his thing, and spilled it all over the coffee table. Then he told me to grab a funnel because he was going home.
The doctor that gave me my std test is trying to hook me up with her daughter lol
He can only pee with the faucet running. It's like I'm dating a fucking toddler.
K, im gonna wait to get my dick pierced so we can do it as a family function.
Whoever put the rooster in the elevator is my fucking hero. Who even thinks of that shit?
Your friends are scaring the cats so I'm going to smoke weed with them to call them down.
right after that u started calling me g-force and started trying to bellyslide down his drive way
Well, I was arguably the most sober adult in the house by 1 in the afternoon, so I'd say Superbowl Shitshow was a success.
Randomize
