Why did I call the Oregon Department of Transportation at 4:30 in the morning, and who did I talk to for three minutes?
i finished masturbating and realized my blackberry had accidentaly called my grandmother in my pocket during it. awkward...
Just facebooked the guy whose name you're yelling in there. So you're aware, his interests include "swearing at babies" and "Ice luge"
I just saved him in my contacts as "Has 2 kids.. don't drunk text"
You need to tell your booty call to take some sudafed or something. I swear I thought you were humping Kermit the frog last night
i like him when i'm sober AND when i'm drunk.i've been searching for this my whole life
I don't know which is a more impressive stolen object. The couch from a sheer logistical viewpoint, or the parking meter because i'm pretty sure that's a federal offence.
WHERE ARE MY FUCKING EYEBROWS?!
I honestly wish you had parked the car in the terminal garage and fucked me in the backseat but I guess I should be more forward
He put his hand in my cleavage. NOT ON. IN. BETWEEN. NO more gingers
There two guys dressed as FEMA workers with jump-suits that say "Post-Disaster Breast Examination Division"
So apparently it wasn't anything really bad, it's hemorrhoids. Which is the medical word for butthurt. I actually have ass ointment.
There's a super pregnant woman here complaining about back pain. I better not see a live birth in the hair care aisle
Two grav bong hits and a shower later and I'm ready for company
It's like you say things that speak to my soul on a deep personal level
First she snuck beer into the movies and then proceded to give me a handjob in the dark theatre. I think I'm in love
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