Do u think she knows her nickname is the oompa loompa
you kept spraying the cat with water and then telling it to "man up" when it cried
I woke up in my girlfriends bed with another guy laying next to me. wtf.
Seriously.......what do you have to do to get arrested in Vegas???
Went to my car this morning. Found a waffle from Waffle House in the front seat. No idea how it got there. So hung over I ate it.
you handed me the dorito you were about to eat and told me to 'keep him safe' while you went to the bathroom
The lifeguard told us we had to move Mike before the tide came in when he passed out.
All I want is tacobeell and your body
that's my favorite sentence you've ever said.
I'm a bit offended I got no nudies back but it's whatever
They're in the mail. Snapchats too fast. I want the suspense.
A dude was barking out of one of the buildings so I barked back and he goes, "Oh shit! She barked back! Come to room 803 I'll fuck you!"
I had sex in the back of a hot foreign guy with a lacoste eye patch's car
He doesn't like Sabbath and that alone is a GIANT red flag. Learn from my experiences and never, I mean NEVER associate with people that hate Black Sabbath and Motörhead.
My adderall dealer raised his prices due to "impending inflation" ... never buying from a college grad again
Ok maybe second best. He dated a stripper. Can't compete with that level of hoeness
You'd be proud...I've an early morning wake up booty call...he should be here around 6am ish...I told him to wake me nicely.
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