I am going to give you the keys to my place
Then I'll give you the keys to my heart
Gag me
I woke up and she had breakfast in bed for me
RUN RUN RUN RUN
My dad just sent me a text telling me to "say hi to all the luscious bitches" at the gay bar. Guess this explains my childhood
Holy shit. Do you realize what this means? Officially all of my ex-bfs are either dead or gay
Yeah things got weird. You ate an entire bag of hotdog buns, then tried to catch a tree on fire with a candle.
my stepmom is let-the-dog-eat-out-of-her-mouth drunk. oh my god.
I think I just fucked my first person born during the Clinton administration
He puked on the grill while the burgers were on. We had to go to taco bell
i'm currently connecting with my tribal roots aka i just found my recorder from 3rd grade music class... be ready for the recording
I took shots of absinthe with my mom just now. Except awful things.
Am I really in your phone as Asshole Jesus??
Do you congratulate someone for having bigger tits, or is that a no no?
Friends don't let friends put redi whip in their wine
She's the good dick fairy. You buy her a beer and half an hour later the best lay in the place is asking to take you home.
I’m home.
I’m aware. I just dropped you off.
Randomize
