I just got a drinking merit badge from a slutty girl scout
i carry sandwiches in my pockets more than any normal person should
It was good sex. She was screaming so much I didn't know whether or not my name was Matt or God.
she won't be coming home tonight because she tried stealing a baby giraffe from the zoo
I puked in the pool and didn't tell them, then they all went swimming. Is it dick to just sit back and enjoy the show?
Handcuffed. To. Steering. Wheel. Fuck.
just had a flashback of you pouring champagne into my mouth from someones balcony..
There needs to be waaaay more alcohol in my apartment if I am going to survive being unemployed
Apparently I used ziplock bags to smuggle my drink out with. By pouring it in one, then cut the corner like it was an icing bag later that night. What is wrong with me?
I'm pretty sure my intestines are bleeding but I'm still going to Orlando to catch that orgasm.
Dinner at my parents is vodka, lemonade, cheese ad crackers. Why would I leave?
So you don't take a regular pic with her, but you take a selfie with her ass. Interesting...
don't let your emotions get tangled in that sexy beard of his.
Btw I definitely had pizza sauce on my face, a painful hickey on my neck, and I just remember screaming SISTER WIVES because of the girl's 1997 jean skirt! Wow.
Quit bitching. I brought you a muffin.
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