No matter how drunk I am, I will take the time to wipe a pube off the toilet seat.
He said he's gonna start calling me "Benny" because we're "friends with bennyfits"
The stripper on stage Is eating a mozzarella stick while on the pole....that's a new level of I don't give a fuck
I'll see your cousin, and raise you a sister.
Hey that girl we tagged team last night invited me to her birthday on Facebook, remind me to be sick that day.
Yeah everyone's alive and well besides the still terrifying threat of Ted's conception of a human being
Somebody really needs to come home and pick up the used condom from the middle of the wood room floor. It's blue, if that helps decide who comes - uh, home.
Oh hey. I left my beer there. Beer is more important than my pride. I want to pick that up.
Everyone was soo nice and genuine.. Then again it coulda just been the drugs.
he has a party story that rivals our "PTSD- soldier-with-a-knife" party story. I'm pretty sure this is part of some prophecy.
I found more straws in my beard this morning. Please stop doing that.
Also, what day were you thinkin we should trip balls at the children's museum?
Well, if I’m not getting dick or sleep then I’m not interested.
But the real reason your aunt is drunk crying is because she has already had four margs and went for a 5th and someone is trying to stop her
What happened lastnight it looks like I had sex with edward scissor hands....my back is so messed up
my bad i broke a mirror over your back
Randomize
