11:03 p.m. Whats a lie i you lovn me. Let's cuddle.
so i just saw your dad embarking upon a biking journey in full reflective gear
...this stays between you and me
I hope you had to get up out of bed and walk across your room to check this text message
Tuesday night just isn't my ideal coke binge night.
you just kept yelling "siddle that plaza" til the cab driver said it back...
Sex with him was like teaching a two year old how to work a machine gun
Either I got the clap, or I masturbated with soap while I was sleeping.
It was the best present I've gotten since I was 5 and I got a fucking easy bake oven. I'm not pregnant for realsies. Celebratory party at the house tonight. Invite all the nice dicks you know.
I'm laying in bed with a case of beer,.. That's how this break up is going..
It's like the sisterhood of the traveling vaginas over here
My pubes were yanked out by the root when they got caught in the condom. I think it's time for a bikini wax.
All I vaguely remember from last night is getting up on that nice mahogany table and debating about squirrel's rights
If you're ever desperate for a guy's #, ask him to call your lost cell phone so you can find it. Some genius used that on me last night. FML
Definitely got a blow job in Charles Schwab's bed last night.
I love my job.
Whatever I'm getting wasted, my costume's bomb, and there's a good chance I'm getting laid. Not letting stupidity ruin my night!
Randomize
