Who knew there were guys that wanted to only stalk you instead of date you? Count on me to find them!
Is it bad that Pitbull has taught me more Spanish than high school did?
I looked up to you, until I saw her walk out of your room.
Just woke up on a couch in the FIJI house with 2 missed calls from someone I saved in my phone as "Some DU Kid Named TJ Maybe"
you make me proud to be your friend
You can't be mad at me for wanting to drink though, it is the reason we're engaged
Why is there an empty beer bottle in the shower?
Why wouldn't there be.
I look like a herd of wild horses chewed on my back. If you bite me again while taking me from behind, I'm going to have to cut you off.
I want a coyote to ride back and forth to the bathroom because walking is getting old
I consider myself an expert at getting drunk and embarrassing people at weddings.
Every time I roll over in bed I land on a different vibrator. I feel I'm the only one with this problem.
It's just not a Friday night unless I'm getting propositioned by a guy in a wheelchair via Facebook messenger...
We got back from the bar and started watching bizzare foods, which subsequently led to the consumption of large amounts of rancid lunch meat and small insects.
Why are you taking pics in the bathroom with the plunger? I mean you still look hot and I'm totally going to wack off to it.
As I was puking, these 2 guys started peeing next to me chanting me on
The hardest part about being a child of divorce is when you're at your dad's house but your condoms are at your mom's house.
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