I just realized that my mother and I have the same favorite sex position, Guess which one!
OMG! Ew.
Lucky Dad.
If I had a penis I would totaly hang shit off it. Like stretched out peach rings and fruit rollups.
I saw a chick at 8 am this morning walking back to my dorm wearing wings... I'm kind of jealous.
My family is watching Intervention and taking notes. I need to leave NOW!
we all know badassery is carried on the XX chromosome
i leave for school in 3 days. if you want your annual goodbye blow job you should probably call me
She wants an explanation of my cousins creepy foot fetish with my god sister. i don't know how I can sum this up in a text.
It's just like riding a bike. Only it's a dude's face.
We fucked to showtunes. Never going out with a theatre major ever again.
I'll just be sleeping in this laundry room. Come get me at bar close.
I didn't pop out of a cake in a speedo with diagrams
In case that's what u were picturing
For the first time in my life, I still have money by the next payday. Who is this responsible person and what have they done with the real me?
I mean like, I missed 30 minutes of star wars to fuck you on Christmas so you must be worth something
Well it might’ve been because you asked to play What Makes You Beautiful at the club
seriously i don't trust him. he fed me a hot dog out of a crock pot and gave me moonshine dashed jager bombs.
Randomize
