Saw a dead body on the way to the casino. I think that's a good sign.
I may have told her we're dating for a handjob, Fake tits are overrated.
i just bought ciggarettes using my court citation as id. I've reached an all time low.
he made transformer sounds every time he changed positions. how do you think it went?
I just sneezed alcohol in a candle and started a fire.
Yeah, the furnace guy just pulled out 4 empty and 1 full beer bottle from the vent. You are no longer allowed over.
Turns out my drunken logic and wordsmithing isn't quite the same as the sober version. I'm pretty sure I made fun of the managers mom at one point
My phone now knows what I type and it prompts me with frequently used words. And anytime I use "and" and hit the space key two of the words are "unicorn" and "sausage"
You're the only true friend I have, if true friendship is based off who would be there for me at 4am during a boxed wine crisis.
They have a booking log online so i can just check that instead of call
Technology: making bailing your sister out easier since 2008
Dude that soap I drank last night is fucking killing me.
I've already dropped her on the ground of a crowded bar dancing , been incoherent drunk to the point i couldn't speak and came within 2 seconds all on separate evenings so at this point she should know what I'm about
I feel like I hate him but his dick too bomb to hate completely
Currently watching high school football on ESPN. Drink every time they say 'this kid's got potential' or 'look at this kid go' or 'atta kid' We're done for..
5 seconds ago I had no idea that a fart could travel so fastly thru the tanning bed. I taste it in the back of my neck.
Randomize
