I just saw some girl with the liscense plate "OBVIII"...I never wanted to get in a car accident so badly.
he held my hand while i was giving him head. freud's gotta be turning over in his grave
went from writing my paper to watching obamas speech to crushing beers and singing springsteen in a crowd of 100 within 20 minutes. I love this country
merry christmas to all and to all I give the mystery rash.
If I ever write a book, i'm calling it "why do i work with fucktards?"
It'll be a good sequel to my other book, "why do i sleep with fucktards?"
When the cop tells you to leave the pool, does that mean you have to put your bathing suit back on too?
I just creeped on air mattress guy's facebook and discovered his ex is the trifecta of evil: tiny, cute, and blonde.
Hes wearing a shirt that says warning shitshow and i cant help but think his attorney made him wear it so ppl know the dangers.
Whatever happend to that lawsuit where he got sued for shittig in that fish tank
cool, get new shit, I dnt want the same old if it's my last drink ever
The world isn't ending you idiot. I'll grab beer
This is not my bathroom and these are not my pants
The ONLY reason I am doing laundry is because all my sweatpants are dirty.
Was he a virgin!? DID YOU TAKE A GUY'S VIRGINITY ON MY FLOOR!?
Like its not even midnight and I've already had enough of her for all of 2015
ok give me a pep talk, I want a hotdog but I'm too stoned to go make it
I can handle him. I'm made of spite and hot wings.
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