I'm curled up in a ball on the floor of my office with the lights off. I hope no one notices. No more open bar. Woof.
Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
once my pubes got caught on her snaggletooth it was all downhill from there
Fuck. I just got my nipple tweaked by a plus size drag queen in a purple dress. I feel like I got molested by Grimace.
You should know I just got pulled aside by TSA because they found a bottle of Bud Light in my backpack... Thanks for that...
I'm pretty sure we got the cab driver deported
come parachute off the vicodin airplane with meee
Imagine getting a FB inbox "hey I found your ID on the floor of a bar can you send me a mugshot so I can get a second piece of ID made?"
Yes. That was the exact moment of my conscience clicking into instant high alert.
He came on my favorite pants. He is dead to me.
I'm not talking about Donald Trump in the midst of sending you nudes
Who knew sons of strippers would be really feminist boyfriends?
My vagina just clenched in fear
Idk if you own a vibrator or anything but it's not smart to leave it in dad's car for him to find :/
You’re a genius! I just walked in, shut the door, blew him and left. He could barely move afterwards and was a hot mess at the presentation. He already sent me a calendar invite for another meeting
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