we were just talking about designated drivers and i suggested we each hire a mexican day laborer to give us piggy back rides... i have the best ideas eveeer
Lauren will drop me off I'll be drunk ride you for a little bit and then you can go to sleep
sorry. that wasn't for you
I just withdrew $200 in ones. I think the teller knew what was up
I woke up with fried rice in my sweatshirt pocket came downstairs and found all the chicken in the fridge gone. I'm THAT roommate aren't I?
So I missed her say 'don't' before 'come in me'. She felt what was happening and freaked - which actually made the moment 100x better.
The police scanner is talking about you again....
i just ran into my boss at the liquor store. we didnt exchange words, just nodded in mutual understanding.
You defs just slept for 6 hours in a porta pottie. You should probably just kill yourself.
The important thing is not that we avoid making mistakes, but that we avoid learning from them.
No. Mother. Fucking. Jello shots. Just no. I'm not falling into that trap again.
I'm just gonna wear a long dress with no panties today. My pussy needs a break.
Spending 4 hours in the emergency room today tells me that your birthday party was a success.
I was so drugged up it was amazing, I felt like a dinosaur "because I enjoyed spinach, and I got apple juice and only dinosaurs get apple juice" according to me the day of, and last night I felt like a rocket ship
Nothing like walk of shaming to the bus stop in your bar clothes at noon and seeing the fire truck you work on drive past with the other shift giving you thumbs up.. Brotherhood at its finest
The worst part is there are all kinds of happy creatures out here like fucking snow white and i'm sitting in semi-dead grass, hungover with a burnt butt
Randomize
