soo according to the calendar on my phone, I'm 5 minutes late to have sex with that guy from work. Apparently we planned this, I even set an alarm.
I just got hard thinking about a crunch wrap. Im done
i'm pretty sure i saw my life flash before my eyes when we ran a red light. i continued to drink and be the drunk backseat driver.
while she was riding me, she looked at me and said "this is why mom told me learning how to ride a horse would be important for my future"
I filled two of the glass ornaments in my mom's bathroom last night with vodka. That way no one sees me drinking on Christmas. Alcoholic or genius? All I know it makes bathroom trips frequent and enjoyable.
You were so excited to be getting 4 tickets to the Whale Rodeo.... That high
why can't I meet attractive men at the places I like to hang out? like books a million. or the liquor store.
I think John will remember that birthday for a while. I'm still dying at the fact a stripper was hunting me down.
I'm writing off my condom expenses in my taxes
i woke up in a bed of pop tarts
Text me later if you aren't dead and wanna have a drink later
stop falling asleep in the bathtub. you are not a movie star, you cannot die that way.
You ate ashes out of my bong
It shouldn't be this hard to find someone who you haven't blown.
I mean, it's good for a lot of things. Just not the inside of your vagina
Well neither is bbq sauce but I dont judge kinks
Randomize
