he needs to stop telling all his friends what my queefs sound like. its getting awkward to be around people who can quote my vagina.
i knew it was time to leave when he woke me up only wearing pooh bear oven mitts and holding a plate of thank you pancakes
just started drinking the sprite you used to ice your crotch last night. Missing you already
True. She actually gives a fuck. A quality looked down upon if she wants to be one of us
he/she has shaved legs and makeup on. but a spare tire stomach, high socks with high heels...a wig and glasses. and still talked like a man. it was a nightmare scenario
He said my breasts were God's way of making up to him for all the shit he's had to endure in his life.
Dude they are all farmers and I'm pretty sure there's a prostitute here.
gave myself the "you're a really good girlfriend" talk on the way to where i intentionally cheated on him. i am my own drunken therapist.
You tried to pay for our cab with the 2 dollars you got from selling your natty ice outside the strip club.
I can't remember much from that party after we snapchatted my dancing boobs to all of her contacts
Did you feel uncomfortable?
For a little while. Then I got really high and ate a bunch of animal crackers out of some dudes pocket while we chilled on their super comfortable couch.
Hella random but just hear me out...A bar that is a petting zoo. Bitches love petting zoos.
Thank fucking Christ I was not wearing pants or eating chocolate cake last night.
Will you be doing the frenzied booty dance of passionate ownage on my penis tonight
How do you explain to your kids that you met their mother well you were giving her a gynecological exam??
Randomize
