Sweetheart, you've always been a horrid bitch...
You know its bad when you're praying for a hangover just so you aren't still drunk at work anymore.
Arguably, the best part was cockblocking those squirrels.
It was odd. His friends dick tasted the same as his. Friends are beginning to have to much in common
Nothing says I've got my life together like buying a jumbo bottle of 7$ wine in sweat pants on a monday night
When did it seem like a good idea to do pull ups off the balcony? After beer 5 or shot 7?
Down at Ground Zero right now. So many people here. It's the most patriotic game of grabass Ive ever seen.
He was literally going down on me and giving me a foot rub AT THE SAME TIME. What more can I ask for?
oh my god I have a fantastic druncle story to tell you. It involves a burrito, a meltdown and a bear
The burrito and meltdown are standard, but I'm intrigued by the bear
I don't remember how I broke my nose last night, but I woke up with dried blood everywhere. Also, you should tell that guy how you feel.
Good. Sleepy. In the middle of a pregnancy scare. The usual.
yes, i'm a douce. but i'm a high quality douche.
did the thing where I quickly swipe right to every girl on Tinder & matched with my sis. God I hope swiping carelessly is hereditary
Listen, some people have dreams, some people just want to cock slap a kangaroo
does 2pm fall under the wake n bake category?
Randomize
