First, he can't make me cum.. And now, he can't get it up because he LOVES me?!!??! i don't think so.
i was watching iron chef and got motivated, so i made dinosaur chicken nuggets
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
there is mayo everywhere what the fuckkkk
Everytime I see a couple on campus walking and holding hands I just want to yell he's gonna lie!
Despite fighting the urge to vomit throughout the whole thing, I think that interview went really well!
She was drunk breaking up with me. All of my emails to her were coming back with UNSUBSCRIBE as the subject.
I think this hangover is going to kill me. If it succeeds I would like you to read a dramatic rendition of 'Trapped in the closet' complete with interpretative dance at my funeral.
there's a guy in the del taco parking lot doing pushups. let's be his friends
BTW the amount of schmoozing I am doing towards some guy for an ID that may or may not look like you... You better love me.
I have six new people in my phone that I don't remember adding. One of them is "Bourbon Yeah." Successful evening?
I have bruises all over my legs. Did I hit a car with my bike last night?
danced like there was no tomorrow. surprise. there's a tomorrow
I walked in to you guys using a milk jug as a gravity bong
Surrounded by smaller versions of the same
I made him fuck me while wearing a Thor helmat from Walmart. Geek sex is the best sex
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