I can't get in trouble, i'm smoking a bong in the office right now
At my boss' house at a bbq. Had a few beers. Taking a poop - there's no TP...this is my nightmare.
I'm going to get a baby outfit made and send it to her that says: "My husband fucked his subordinate and all I got was another baby".
shes on the floor puking and texting simultaneously.
He's such a gentleman. He didn't even ask why my bra was flung on the seat of my car. He just took my snow brush, pushed it onto the floor and said, "Let's go I'm hungry."
Ill give you a 4 hour blow job if you make my nephew go to bed.
I'm sports announcer narrating myself making a sandwich. Your weed wins.
how do you play pong handcuffed?
Don't forget Giraffe in your car! If we show up in the same outfit without animal heads we're just gonna look weird.
You've been dating this guy for a month now and as your best friend I have to complain that I still don't how big his dick is.
In other news, I had my first sex related injury of the school year so that's cool
This reminds me of the time you were crying and puking in the toilet at that party while i did shots of tequila in between blow drying your feet. miss you!
I woke up with a shot glass nestled between my boobs like a baby bird.
Not having a reliable dick in is getting expensive. I’ve had to replace 3 vibrators since Mike and I split up
Nothing says “I spent too much in Vegas” quite like eating a jar of pickles for dinner and planning on cream of celery soup for breakfast tomorrow.
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