I'm at a job interview and I smoked a little before I came. I thought it would make me less nervous. Boy was I wrong.
I decided it would be a good time to smoke on one of my deliveries but then I got the munchies and ate a piece of the pizza I was freaking out so I told him it was our new pacman pizza
In hindsight maybe we should have moved his homework instead of playing quarters on top of it.
i just traded a sweatshirt for margaritas... why did they ever stop using the barter system??!!
Just found a picture of a hobo making out with her tits...a HOBO
she made me take her to the grocery store to buy a gallon of sweet tea and a shit ton of band aids, the cashier asked if someone was hurt and she replied "not yet.."
I just made my roommate a 'Hope you don't have chlamydia' cake.
Make one for john too.
I won't trust your judgement until the word stripper doesn't make me laugh
you know it was a successful halloween when you wake up and have a firecracker in your tits
So after I fell off 4 times we concluded I'm not allowed to ride him anymore.
I spent half an hour sculpting my pubes into a perfect triangle of really short hair, and the first thing he said when he saw it was "Don't you think you need a shave?"
But of course I'm in. After all, what fun would the holidays be without trying to find the perfect gift to impress someone you've never met, but need the approval of??
Worst case scenario- he paid me for sex with meatloaf. There are worse thing, right? I mean at least is was good meatloaf.
So your telling me I can lick your ass but you CAN'T spend my money
Wakes up in a cold sweat at 3am, 136 unread messages and the preview on the notification is "I JUST GOT TO THE INCEST PART"
Randomize
