When my options for Friday night are being a 3rd wheel or bringing a gay man as my date i need to focus on other things in life like having a successful career.
I hate when my naked walk-arounds are interrupted by someone knocking on the door
So I've decided that when I turn 50 and have to have a colonoscopy I'm going to leave a surprise for the doctor to find.
You know you're wathing too much reality TV when you start adding commentary to every day life.
At this point it has been so long i wouldnt know what a dick was if it slapped me in the face.
she insisted that i refer to her boobs by name.
Come over and help me clean up your so-called "winter wonderland" that you made with the fire extinguisher in the kitchen last night.
he woke up with $200 in his pocket and had to buy his cell phone back from a hobo at the bus stop.
I'm lost. Please come find me. I'm inside the I-270 circle somewhere. I can hear laughing.
is it possible that there's a used condom holding pennies in my bra? I'm so confused on what happened last night...
Just got a groupon for a segway rental: fireworks segway battle at my house. What say you?
Omg, those nutella cakes are heavenly, like licking the nipples of a muscular black Jesus.
Well my unnaturally hairy chest finally came in handy. It took at least an hour to shave the american flag into my chest but I definitely went America all over that party
What has my life become? I'be officially recruited my fuck buddy for help getting my ex back.
That 2-CB was ass.
You mean the asprin cut with pez?
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