Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
Friend I haven't seen in almost a year just IMed me to let me know that my mom stuck her boob out the window on the freeway at her.
Her mom responded by mooning my mother. I really don't know what's worse.
you fucking puked into the top of the beer bong while i was chugging from it. when i realized i was chugging your vomit, i vomitted on the floor. she kicked us both out.
she's laying in my bed with an ice pack on her vagina. how do you think it went?
I'm not sure that our 12-years-ago-high-school-"relationship," and 179 texts in the last 4 hours is gonna be enough to squeeze a naked smartphone picture of me. I'm gonna need some chicken wings or Makers Mark before that starts happening.
There is no amount of alcohol that can make me forget I had a Jimmy Kimmel sex dream
I don't know, I kept pretending that I was riding an elephant during. It was actually really fun, but you can't tell him that!
The date officially concluded on the phrase "Nosh dat vag".
Everyone should know the rule that if your dicks touch during a threeway you just make lightsaber noises and move on.
After owing so much in back child support they should make vasectomy a mandatory
I'm in Home Depot and I can feel the straight bob the builders staring at me. I bet it's like I have a rainbow arrow pointing at me.
my experiences serve only to benefit you young virgin
Dude she literally licked him. He was covered in cheese and in her high state what else was she gonna do?
Dude I just clenched/unclenched my hindquarters while looking in the mirror I have fucking talent
Let's just say if my bucket list had "fngered in the middle of a club by a complete stranger while being sprayed by UV paint" then that is well and truly ticked off.
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