Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
can you explain to me why you commented on every one of my profile pics with "tits and beer ftw" please and thank you.
i just woke up to seventeen texts from you saying all the things you would have done for a french fry.
if you were to get worldwide popularity from playing guitar with a plastic yellow bat while drunk on YouTube, would you hate me?
You drunk dialed me talking about the stages of mitosis. There is no way you didn't ace your bio final
I'm not going to fuck him in his Honda Fit. That's gay.
Wat the fuck dude ketchup in my bong???
Made a pan flute out of the varyingly empty beer bottles on the table. Played a glorious tune that paid tribute to the winds.
Can we talk about how i am holding a tupperware container of my own puke in the back of my grandparents car while my sister drives
The first guy I ever sexted is having a baby.. Is this what adulthood feels like?
I've had sex to the movie Tommy Boy too many times to be acceptable.
Just whisper "I fucked your boyfriend" in her ear and be done with it.
I keep worrying the police are going to come looking for us.
For which one? Starting a fire on my porch or having sex on my porch?
Well the hawks lost... so, of course, the only logical course of action was a bonfire in the middle of the street.
I'm just glad you didn't end up in Staten Island
I woke up naked holding a taco. My ass couldn't even make it to my bed let alone Staten Island
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