On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
i an so hammered right now. I'm about to pass out but i just found the lion king dvd and i'm so happy words don't even describe.
I'm gonna name my first kid mufasa regardless if It's a boy or girl
it's like there's an entire ecosystem in your vagina.
there's no toilet paper. I'm using wheat bread.
Hey just to warn you theres a really fat guy passed out in front of our front door snoring. Don't touch him, he's in god's hands now.
I slept in bed with them the night they met. I once peed on the bride. And now I get to give a speech at their wedding. Piece of cake.
The walk of shame out of a freshman dorm isn't so bad when you're 25, nobody questions you because they think youre gonna bust them for having weed
I just ate a can of beans for dinner so I can afford to go get a 5$ bottle of wine. I really did not think these choices would still be necessary at age 25.
I could probably do something when Im able to get enough strength to think about thinking about to stand.
I think I just asked the Greek gyro guy on a yoga date.
Well good for him for getting your number before he told you he had no money and needed you to pay for his drink!
I think you were giving a sex seminar on your kitchen table last night.
I swear I was in Legend of Zelda Twilight Princess and American Ninja Warrior at the same time. I'm never getting high while rock climbing again.
And ANOTHER guy that I once got naked is doing gay porn now. Wtf? Am I the audition?!
100000% expect a picture of my ass in them
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