oh so you have enough money for the third eye blind concert but not enough for the morning after pill?
Just wanted to let you know that I always win at "whose ex is crazier" because of you.
I should hang a sign above my bed that says "get hard or go home."
You're always adorable, but when you're drunk, you're like Chia Pet adorable.
I think he may have overheard our "how much coke would you fuck me for" conversation last night...
I made the jerking off hand motion to my mother by accident this morning. It was awkward for everyone involved.
Hate you missed the after party, I was covered in dish soap gliding bare assed down a slip n slide at 6:30 this morning
They're playing house music in my dentists office again, wtf is wrong with these people. That's not the music you want to get a root canal to
AND WHAT FELONIES DID I MISS OUT ON WHILE SLUMBERING!?
Is there a particular reason why everyone is now calling you Butt Doctor?
I WOKE UP IN A FUCKING DOG BED HOW DO YOU THINK I FEEL
You yelled to anyone that tried to help you "I have a burrito, what else could a girl want?"
Also, totally got laid in my yellow rubber boots and it was awesome.
I've had your balls on my face a bunch of times so the least you could do is buy a girl some dinner.
I am that special "drink water and be grateful I'm alive" kind of hungover
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