Yes give me all the cream and he's gone
I wish they had a smiley of two girls making out
Fat lady wearing Shape Up's. I would feel bad making crude comments, but she has to know it's coming.
I got groped on the dancefloor by both grooms. I love gay weddings
the two person party stopped when i realized that he tried to throw a hammer at my head.
I wish we knew morse code and could knock to each other through the wall
Okay hun. Well my neighbors haven't called the cops yet so I think we're good. No more burning in the yard.
At what point did you realize I was getting blown under the table during our dominos game?
And that facial hair. He might as well shave it so it spells "douche" on one cheek and "nozzle" on the other.
My goal is to be drunk before we even get out of the No Wake Zone.
Yes, bail money means jail. It also means lie to dad, do it now.
11% beer and firearms, what could possibly go wrong?
Oh man
I hooked up with the lead singer of the band at the wedding. I am so hungover.
Do you ever look at someone's Snapchat story and think ‘you told me you would eat my ass’?
The box said 94% effective prevention of pregnancy if used correctly but God knows I’m not gonna use it right so let’s adjust that to like a 70%
Randomize
