sorry I missed your bday party.,I was vid chatting with that new guy I'm talking to all night...happy biirthday though
I like you better when you drink
I like you better when I drink too
I just told her she was a heartbeat above a blowup doll.
he shattered multiple jars of jelly against his roommates doors last night. this morning the asian one wouldn't even talk to him because he thought he was gonna get beaten up
I wonder what it would be like to go to the dry cleaners and not have to inform them that all my clothes are stained with booze.
I wish his dick was as long as his hair.
Woke up to a bottle of gatorade and a packet of saltine crackers tied to underwear hanging from my ceiling fan, along with 3 advil stuck to a piece of duct tape and a note saying "have a happy hangover- <3 you/me"
Drunk you is pretty stunner.
Yeah...don't think he was sober. He kept screaming "I fucking love this game!". It was his Chase app.
Woke up in her bed this morning with a half used condom stuck to the side of my face
How can a condom be "half used"?
How high is the bridge and how deep is the water and what are the chances I will get arrested
I woke up this morning cradling my vibrator like it was a baby
I LACK THE NECESSARY BRAIN FUNCTIONS TO BE ABLE TO PROPERLY RESPOND TO THAT
Fuck you. Fuck this party. I just wanted to be pretty with a cute little tiara and boys sucking my tits, now i have a hangman game drawn on my face and jello shots in my hair.
I wanted to give you a great birthday party. You know I did.
Dude 4th of July week was our like 5th anniversary of you sending me dick pics ❤️
Drunk me is having trouble keeping up with sober me's standards
Randomize
