thanks...oh and i got my period
told you
oh hush
Pretty sure my dad just walked in on me jerking off watching guys on webcam. Remember how I used to say "most awkward day of my life?" I'm retiring that phrase.
I'm giving you permission to use the abortion money to pay for your DUI.
what if every blade of grass was a penis?
Just threw up my room service breakfast with my fake eyelashes and pearls still on.
Yea i'm supposed to have jury duty on monday. Hope they don't mind me still being drunk.
Na you can't get charged for public intoxication unless you're outside. I checked.
You hooked up with 4 random girls, avoided your grilfriend finding out about it, and dodged traffic on Park Ave. Can you say luck of the Irish?
You two were too busy to notice that his used condom landed on me when he threw it.. Thanks.
I just witnessed Grandma making her infamous daiquiris. Extraordinary.
NEW RULE: can't hook up with more than 50% of the groomsmen in wedding party or it becomes wrong kind of weird. NUMBERS GAME.
They're showing aladdin at the bar my birthday is complete
Blasting venetian snares and drinking a beer. I love being an adult. It's like being a child but with beer for breakfast, better music, and no one yells at you.
My mind's like "He's a sexist pig" but my uterus is like "YOU SHALL BEAR HIM STRONG CHILDREN"
The only thing left on my Bucket List is getting fingered at an aquarium.
You had to dry your pants with the hand dryer in the bathroom because you "forgot to take it out."
Randomize
