you were stumbling around in your attic looking for all your swim team medals because you wanted to "feel like a champion."
I pulled down his boxers and a 20 dollar bill fell out. I'm telling you, the blowjob fairy EXISTS
I gave him 3 xanax and recorded the ball drop. He's gonna think tonight is New Years.
??I have an official piece of documentation saying you are banned from Las Vegas.
My time here is complete. I think I have now thrown up in every major degree programs building
Don't ask me how, but I have a squirrel in my backpack and I don't know what to do with it.
I forgot to tell you, wear something you can puke on Saturday. We're christening this marriage with a shot of jager. NOT KIDDING.
I told you all we needed steroids to survive the tour de franzia, like the bikers. But nobody listened...
I don't have to hold her hair back as she blows me but I do have to hold the ball on the Santa hat
i may have given a gay guy with a mohawk my number last night that said... "you are straight" omg so glad a whole year til my next birthday... also i hit myself in the face with a car door. nice.
No one parties "Full Karen". She once broke a couple up at the bar, ate the girl out in the bathroom and took the guy home.
Forced to cancel my booty call due to the snowpocalypse. This crosses the line.
New fact of life: getting Becca high never helps any situation at all ever.
I really prefer to do my walks of shame in the summer
dude me and this dog are gonna go bond oon the tramplene with stromboli... i think everyone is staring at me... being this high is SO stressful
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