You picked the wrong day to call in sick. She's wearing the librarian glasses today.
I shaved my pubes to make my cock look like it has a lions mane. to surprise the girl that works at the zoo when she comes over.
nah, its part of my diet to keep track of the servings of everything i put into my body
how many servings is brandon's dick?
i woke up to find out i shared my bed with a full, open can of natty light last night and didnt spill it. then i drank it for breakfast.
She had to get her inhaler in the middle of fucking...but she kept it in.
I just want to do a slip-and-slide into a giant pool of jello shots right now.
Slept in my car last night. It snowed. I peed on the street. Hello 29...
I can't leave your house without my underwear spending the night.
Her virginity is one of the last things that remains of our childhood.
Brownies hit. And just found beer. And the bill cosby show is on. And its in spanish.
I just want a teacup pet pig so I can take him to parties with me and never have to walk home alone again.
You can't just say "I scored us a potential threesome" and then not text me back.
I am so stoned. And there are so many white people in this Jack in the Box.
First non virgin Sunday. Bursts into flames.
I think it’s appropriate to celebrate the start of mother’s day at the bar with the men that almost made me a mother
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